Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
