3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
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