I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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