I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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