What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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