Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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