went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
