Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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