someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
