The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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