First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
