just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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