In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
