Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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