so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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