I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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