I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
