I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
