tell your sister to shave her snatch
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
