I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Randomize
