I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Randomize
