More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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