Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
