The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
