lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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