like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
whose parrot is this?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
