i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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