He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
