I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
this hospital has no fireball
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
