Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
