My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
