so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
