Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Randomize
