just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
