This is not my ceiling
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize