My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
