Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
