Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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