i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Randomize