Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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