the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
