I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
