It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Who died my cat blue again?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
