soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
