Nicole vs. Life
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize