I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
