youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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