Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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