What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
