So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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