Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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