Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
you traded sex for a burrito?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
