to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
