LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
