my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
