there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
