Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
