guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You are a genius and a whore.
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