Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
