Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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